Where to even begin is difficult. We were very proud parents of a beautiful baby girl born on January 13, 2005. We chose Bailey DeLonais Maynard to be her name. She was a very beautiful girl and we loved her so.
We never imagined that our time with her would be so short. That is one thing we are all very guilty of; taking for granted that we have all the time in the world with our children. How sadly reality can slap you in face.
It was the Monday, the day after what many celebrate as "Easter Sunday". Our vehicle has broken down the previous week and while on the road it was broken into and vandalized. The vehicle was in the shop and due to be fixed early this Monday morning, so Martin did not have to leave for work as early as usual. This meant I could sleep in a little longer since we had a long night with visiting relatives.
I remember Martin asking where the bottle and formula was so he could make Bailey a bottle. He made a bottle, wrapped Bailey up and got ready for work. He woke me up as he was going out the door. "Honey, Bailey has already eaten and I wrapped her in a bun and gave her a bink, she should be good for a couple of hours", an hour later the phone rang, it was Martin letting me know he picked the vehicle up from the shop and made it to work. Said he was going to run to bank real quick and take care of our bank cards and stuff that had been stolen the week before when vehicle broke down. I told him I was going to get around and check on Bailey and I let him go.
I went to grab bottle from the baby's bed to make Bailey a bottle. She looked peaceful resting there. I made the bottle and came back and was going to pick Bailey up, when I did she felt unusually cold. I felt her chest and I could not feel her breathing at all. Something was definitely wrong. My heart sank, I tried to blow in her mouth, I tried CPR, and nothing was working. This image is one that still haunts my memories even today, looking at my dead daughter in my hands and not being able to do a thing about it.
I called Martin at work, I do not know why. Maybe I expected him to tell me what I knew was not true, maybe I wanted to hear his comforting voice, I do not know. When he answered all I could say was "Bailey is dead, Martin she is dead, oh God our baby is dead!!!" He asked me what the paramedics said or he asked to talk with the paramedics. I told him I had not called any emergency personnel yet. Martin immediately told me to get off the phone and call 911, which I did. Everything from this point on is a blur.
I remember the neighbor coming over, I remember the police chief telling me to calm down, and the most horrifying memory is watching them load my daughter in the back of the ambulance as they tried to work on her at the same time. I wanted my baby back and I wanted my husband next to me. I was so scared and the emotions where overwhelming. I kept hoping that they could save her, almost believing they were going to save her. I do not recall calling family member, but when I arrived at the hospital my family was there and Martin's family was there. I went into the Emergency to check on the status of Bailey. They told me Dr. Riley was working on her. He was our family Doctor; I just knew he was doing his best.
Dr. Riley came out and asked to speak with me. He started out with the very words I did NOT want to hear. . . "Candi, I am sorry. We did all we could, she was already passed when she brought in." Oh God, I wanted to die right there. I wanted to go back in time. I wanted to wake from this horrible nightmare and I wanted the world to quit playing this sick joke!!!
I sat in a chair next Bailey's table she was laying on. She looked so horrible with the tube in her throat and she was so cold and stiff. I wanted to believe everyone was lying to me. I did not want to believe she was dead. All I could do was cry and scream at everyone. I kept screaming "quit lying to me, Bailey is not dead. You all are just lying to me." Oh how I wanted to believe it was a lie, even seeing her and feeling her cold hands I still did not want to believe it.
Where is Martin? I wanted him next to me; I knew he wouldn't lie to me. He would tell me the truth. I could not believe he had not made it yet. My heart was aching, the tears kept coming and the sick gut wrenching feeling in my stomach would not stop. . .
My story starts out much like Candi's. I was running late because I had to wait for shop to open to pick up vehicle. I spent some of that morning with Bailey, making her a bottle, talking and singing to her. On my way out the door I gave her a binky and kissed her goodbye then headed off to work.
I called Candi let her know I made it and that the vehicle seemed to be running better. I told her I had to run to the bank to sign some papers reporting our bank cards stolen and such. She told me she was getting ready to get Bailey up and feed her. We hung up and I went to talk to my supervisor.
15 minutes later my phone rings as I pick it up I hear "Bailey is dead, Martin she is dead, oh God our baby is dead!!!", my heart sank but I also thought maybe Candi was just being dramatic, you know how some people panic. I asked to speak with paramedics or emergency personnel. Candi told me she had not called anyone yet. I screamed at her to get off the phone and call 911 immediately.
A flood of emotions went through me. Could she be telling the truth and not exaggerating. I went over to talk to my boss; I got dizzy and felt sick to my stomach. Steve asked me what was going on. I told him my wife just called and said our baby was dead. Steve said, "What!" I told him the phone conversation. Steve immediately insisted that he drive me.
As we drove toward Hominy, one minute I was telling Steve that maybe Candi was just being over dramatic. The next minute I was asking Steve "What if she is dead, how am I going to deal with that. What am I going to do Steve?" of course he had no answer. It was probably the longest ride I had ever been on. Thoughts kept going through my head of what I was going to do.
I directed Steve to our house in Hominy, I am not sure why. A feeling of relief came over me as we drove up to the house and no vehicles were there. I thought wow, no emergency vehicles, everything must be okay. I walked up to the house and hollered for Candi. No answer. I look back at Steve sitting in vehicle and told him everything must be okay because no one is here.
Steve hollered back at me, "Shouldn't you call the hospital?" Dang, how stupid am I. Here I was thinking or not thinking, that everything was okay because no one was here. The thought of the hospital never occurred to me. I call the hospital. The nurse tells me I need to get over there. I asked what was wrong and she would not talk to me. I asked to speak with Candi. The Nurse kept insisting I get to the hospital. Finally Candi gets on the phone and tells me the words I never wanted to hear "Martin Bailey is dead, she is gone forever." She continued, "Martin please get here quick, they are going to take her body before you get her if you do not hurry. Martin what are we going to do?"
Oh God! My world around me started caving in. It was difficult to breathe. I jumped in vehicle with my supervisor and told him Bailey was dead and I needed to get to Cleveland Hospital quick. As we drove up to the hospital I could see my family, Candi's family and some of our friends/neighbors. I felt so sick to my stomach. I was so dizzy and all I could do was keep praying for God to give me strength to be strong.
My dad was the first to approach me as I got out of the vehicle. He said, "Son, Bailey is dead. She is gone. Be prepared." he tried to hug me but I was in hurry to get to Candi. I wanted to be there next to my wife.
I cannot remember who it was, but they led me to the room Bailey was in. As I walked in I got the wind knocked out of me as I looked upon Bailey on that table. She was so blue, so lifeless, so different looking. I could hear Candi screaming, "You're lying, you're lying, she is not dead. Please oh God I do not want her to be dead. I want my daughter. Quit lying to me". She kept screaming that over and over. Seeing Bailey and hearing my wife's hurting cry is something that haunted my dreams even today I dream about it, just not as often as I did a year ago.
It hurt so bad to see my wife in so much pain and misery. I knocked the wind out of me to see Bailey lying like she was. So lifeless, it was very difficult to keep from crying but I did. I went over to my wife and put my arms around her. I told her I could not lie to her and that I was sorry but Bailey was gone. This made Candi even more upset. Oh, how my heart ached so badly for her, how it ached so badly for myself. I held Candi tight. I kissed her on the cheek.
I leaned over to Bailey, ran my finger across her cheek. She was so cold and so blue. It was very weird touching her. I then leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and told her bye. I said I would see her in the resurrection. . .
Some people have no respect.
The same day Bailey died, the police officer on duty asked Martin to meet him at the house where Bailey had died. The officer then asked Martin to take a baby doll and reenact the events of that morning. Martin was to wrap the doll and lay the doll as he did Bailey before he left that morning.
Before Martin had finished up with the officer, DHS was at Candi's parent's house questioning Candi about the events of that morning. When Martin arrived they questioned him and proceeded to question the children in the street in front of neighbors and friends. No respect or privacy at all. They were just doing their jobs, but there is a tasteful way of accomplishing things. Guidelines need to be set for circumstances such as this.
We are told that the cause of death is more than likey S.I.D.S. Okay so what is S.I.D.S. and what causes this? Is this some fault of mine? Of candi's? Could we have prevented this death?
What we learn and are still learning today is S.I.D.S. is not a cause, it is not a disease, and its not a sickness. Since it is not actually a disease or sickness, there is no real cure. However, there are steps that can be taken to reduce the death of an infant.
Once every agency that you can imagine has done their investigation; an autopsy has been done and no cause of death is found and nothing criminal or suspicious turns up they lable the death as undetermined. "Pending" is what goes on the death certificate until after a year. Once a year has gone by and still no cause if found, they label the death certificate either "undetermined", "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome", or "Sudden Unexplained Death of a Child".
So to wrap it up in a nutshell, no body has any clue what causes the Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, there are no cures, and there definately needs to be more research done!!!
The best advice we can give after going through Bailey's death is to follow the steps that statistics show reduce the possibilty of S.I.D.S. Spread the awareness that S.I.D.S. is real, it does happen, even if you think it will not happen to you, the chance is still there and is very real.
This was a very difficult issue for Candi and I both on many different levels.
At first I was stressing over finanaces. I was beating myself up for not budgeting better and having some sort of savings-emergency fund. Really, who ever expects to be burying their child when they are only 2 1/2 months old, but this still did not take away the feelings of guilt and failure. I knew I could not afford a funeral.
Candi did not want to go to the house with Bailey's belongings still there so my parents, sisters and I went over to house to start moving Bailey's belongings to storage. I was talking with my parents about my finances and trying to figure out how I was going to afford a decent funeral when two of my co-workers came walking up to the door. The Barto's, God bless them, they chatted with me a few minutes and then handed me an envelope and told me that was some money they had collected from the ConoPhillips Task Team, clients of the company I was involved with. The Barto's told me there was more coming but they knew I was probably stressing over funeral costs and they wanted to get some cash to me quick. I will not disclose the amount in that envelope, it was enough to cover the funeral cost and get a very nice headstone.
Candi and I were very fortunate. I was very fortunate to have worked with such a great group of people. Unfortunately, Janet caught some slack over not going through proper channels in the company to collect donations. Company politics can sometimes get in the way of people doing things, good things.
We began looking for a Funeral Home the next day. We were very blessed again when we found out that Chapman and Black Funeral Home in Cleveland covers the cost of infant burials, with the exception of burial plot. Wow, what another blessing. We both will ever be grateful to the many family, friends, co-workers and businesses that donated and gave and gave and gave. Oklahoma and especially Hominy have a great heart when it comes to helping others out.
According to Candi's Indian/family tradition we opted for what is called a "wake". This is where the body is brought home and stays until the day of the burial. Friends and family visit. Someone is always awake sitting next to the casket. There are is a lot of visiting, story telling, and recalling fond memories. This was the first time I had been part of a "wake". I want a "wake" for me and my family when our time comes and I recommend it, it truly helped.
The hard part was actually planning the services. Candi and I both come from different religious backgrounds, this made arrangements even more difficult. We ended up having 3 services. We had a Catholic service, Methodist service and then an Indian graveside service.
During the graveside I actually began dealing with feelings/emotions. My supervisor came to the graveside, which I am grateful for. It was on a Friday, April fools day as a matter of fact. Steve asked me if I planned on coming on in to work the following Monday, he really needed me there. I agreed to show, this is where my resentment started forming. You know, without sounding ungrateful, these people - all of them - after the funeral get to go back home and go right back to their normal routine. Not me and my family. We get to go back home and deal with the room our daughter once slept in, the table she once set at, the nightmares/dreams, and we had other children that were having their own emotions going crazy. Candi and I had our own emotions we were going through. There was not a routine for us to go back to. Our routine had been disrupted.
I made it to work Monday. I did not last two days before I requested two more weeks off. I was an emotional wreck. I could not seem to quit crying. I could not deal with the resentment and hate that was forming against co-workers and especially my supervisor. After the two weeks, I returned to work. I did not last the rest of the year, the reason will be seen later.
A month after the burial of Bailey Candi and I were going to a counselor. She was having severe depression episodes and I was having aweful nightmares about Bailey. I was losing so much sleep it was affected me physically. Candi was sick all the time now and mornings were hell. Something was not right.
Candi and just thought the sickness was from depression. She had not had her monthly cycle and again we chaulked that up to emotions being out of whack. Just for giggles one day Candi bought a home pregnancy test, not sure what brought this on, but I was like okay. Well the test showed positive. The test showed up very lightly, so I just assumed she was wrong and the test was negative.
We decided to be sure so we went to the doctor and had a test done. I remember joking around with Candi about it. The nurse came in and we asked what the results were. She could not tell us, but jokingly asked if we wanted to be. Candi and I both said we would be shocked/surprised if she were pregnant. She then told us to be ready to be surprised. Candi just looked at me.
Did we want to be prenant this soon after losing a child? I am not sure, but when the doctor came in and told us that we were definately pregnant all I could do was laugh, I mean I deep gut full bellied laugh. Candi, bless her heart, she cried. Niether of us today know if those were tears of joy, of sadness or both. But none the less we were going to have another baby.
WOW, expecting a new baby! The feelings one goes through in normal circumstances is one thing, its totally different when your circumstances are not so normal as in the case of losing a baby to S.I.D.S.
All the emotions of worry and fear are definately compounded. On top of that you have feelings of guilt for being happy or if your not happy then you have feelings of guilt for not being happy, it is one hell of a roller coaster ride. If one can imagine all these emotions internally just think for the outward product of these emotions. I really wish I could put into words all the emotions we went through.
It was really hard when we found out that the expected due date of the baby was the same birthday as Bailey's, January 13. Candi was really emotional about it. She discussed a possible C-section to avoid the possibility of the baby being born on the same day.
Ah the joys of dealing with people. God Bless them, they do not have a clue what to say. It is at this time when most should just not say anything. Candi and I heard so many of the some old sayings, "It will get better", "She is in a better place", "Everthing happens for a reason", and the ever so famous "Life goes on".
I know that everything happens for a reason and I have a very strong faith in God. I have always loved and trusted God. I may not agree with what trials he allows me to go through, but I do know God is a God of love. I do believe in the resurrection. Bailey will rise from the grave one day and be given a chance to accept Christ as Lord and she will be placed in God's Kingdom.
Knowing all this does not take away one bit of pain. We as survivors are left here in the carnal world to deal with real feelings and emotions.
Going through pregnancy was very emotional and stressful for Candi and both. There were so many fears and so many questions. It was also a difficult pregnancy, there were complications and Candi had to spend the last few weeks on total best rest. I missed a lot of work and honestly my emotions were going crazy the closer we got to due date as were Candi's.
December 20, 2005. What an awesome day. Haven Venezuela is born, she is a beautiful girl. Candi and I both were very proud. We were also scared. I think all the emotions we were feeling and all the thoughts going on in our heads had all finally merged and come to head that day. It is really hard to explain, you just have to experience it to fully understand what was going on with us internally.
I went back to work the following day. I was trying to wrap things up on a project and my supervisor, again being thoughtless as usual kept insisting that I be at work. I was of course a proud daddy and other co-workers came to me asking about Haven and Candi. After listening in on a conversation I was having, One co-worker on the particular project we were trying to complete, came up and told me "I know you had a baby and I know you lost one, but don't you think it's time to get over it and move on... we have work to complete here". I blew that off for a bit then he came back and said some other very mean stuff, it was at this point I fired off some emails to my supervisor, said a few choice words to this co-worker, and walked out headed back to the hospital to be with my wife and new baby girl. I left an email telling my boss where I could be reached. Needless to say I was not allowed to go back to work there.
Once we get home with Haven, our fears really cultivate. We hardly let Haven out of our site, we lose sleep trying to check on Haven every 20 minutes - making sure she is breathing.
We went through a whole different set of emotions after Haven was brought home. We were naturally worried, scared, nervous, paranoid and a ton of other emotions. We were also excited which brought about guilt as well. To put this into words is tough, but I will do the best I can. We felt guilty because we wondered if we were misplacing our love for Bailey onto Haven. We never intended Haven to be a replacement for Bailey. We love Haven, we love Bailey, and we love Timothy, Katie, Jacqueline, and Jacob all just as much. Yet we still felt guilty. Felt guilty for being happy to be blessed with Haven as well as the other children.
It was tough sleeping throught the night with Haven home. Besides the normal feedings, Candi and I would get scared if we could not see Haven breathing. We would even pick her up to make sure which of course would wake her up and keep her up for a while. It was a long rough road. Still is sometimes, but we are not as jumpy as we were at first.
It is a joy to watch all the kids and yes, we do spend more time with the children now. We all can be a little guilty of letting other things distract us from the things that actually matter most and count, after the death of child you do not take for granted that there will always be tomorrow.
Our pain is just as real today as it was March 28, 2005. I do not think one ever actually heals 100% from the pain of losing a child, but you do adjust and you do learn to move forward in life.
There is not a single day that goes by that we do not think of Bailey, but Candi and I have both learned to adjust and move forward. In doing so we both feel the need to reach out to others, we want to share our story, our experience and the very emotions we went through. Why? Because talking about what happens not only keeps the memory of Bailey alive, and not only helps mend our broken hearts, but also will hopefully help someone else get through the most difficult time one could ever imagine going through.
The great controversey, what steps can be taken to help prevent S.I.D.S.? My personal feelings is how can one prevent S.I.D.S. if no one really knows what causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome? I also cannot argue with statistics. With the "Back to Sleep" campaign, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome diagnosis has been reduced by 45%-50%, I cannot argue with those figures.
I feel strongly that spreading the awareness of S.I.D.S. and getting the message out there about the steps that can be taken to help reduce S.I.D.S. statistics definately can not hurt at all. I do not believe in giving peope false hope that they will not be subject to S.I.D.S. by following certain steps. I do believe that statistics show that following a few simple guidelines can help reduce the chance and by following the few simple guidelines there is no harm done. So please help spread awareness and know that our hearts go out to everyone that has been an unfortunate statistic of S.I.D.S. or any other early pregnancy and infant death.
Created on ... October 23, 2006 places back on site January 1, 2009 while site is being updated